On KP

No Pietersen for the rest of the Ashes? Well nuts to you, KP, I say. We can do it without you.

The great British mentality will prevail. “We few, we happy few”, as Ian Bell said, talking to his runs. The Ockers are in disarray. We hold the whip hand, we are in the Bocks seat – mind you, they lost at home recently to the Aussies so that’s no advantage.

So who should step up and replace the former badger haired Kevin? And should Bopara stay? After all, centuries against the West Indies are a bit like passports for Poles - a formality these days.

There is a man who could do it. He is a great batsman, in form and no stranger to the Ashes. So what if he blubs like a baby whenever he sees a sign saying Heathrow next left?

I am speaking, of course, of none other than Marcus Trescothick. The selectors should go down on bended knee to him (which might also take his mind off his homesickness) and beg him to play in the final three tests. He’s got more class than a state school teacher, that boy, and can easily bat at 3.

This is the Ashes, a cauldron of fire and brimstone. There’s no place for wet behind the ears tyros like Moore or Denley. Ramps never cut it as this level, and we all know Key and Shah are not of the highest calibre.

No, Tresco is the man, and he must be selected. Number One Sports Fan has spoken.