A crouching Tiger, hidden behind a hydrant whilst an enraged Elin tried to give him the thin end of her wedge (which she later changed to rescue club in her statement to the police) after learning he had been making birdies but signing for par.
An event which has prompted more wild theorising than the so called but obviously faked moon landings. Clearly, the truth is that this is a PR stunt to humanise Tiger - probably ahead of a new advertising campaign in which he endorses beer or chewing tobacco.
And it has worked. This column has never been a fan of Woods the person, but suddenly I want to have a beer with him.
The world loves nothing so much as a flawed personality sporting genius. Is this new naughty Tiger continuing the legacy of Gazza, of Best, of Walter Hagan?His private life will now be subjected to the most intense scrutiny. His every movement will be probed more deeply than Elton John's ring.
The paparazzi will invade every tournament in which he plays. His brutish minder, Steve Williams, will be so busy breaking cameras he will scarcely have time to carry his clubs. And his game may just not survive it.
Which opens up another line of theorising - is the whole thing a set up by one of his rivals in an attempt to dethrone the king? Big Phil has been smiling a lot lately! A sporting plot of devious cunning. Where's Myron Bolitar when you need him. Yoohoo, Myron, here's a bestseller in waiting.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
On the solution to rugby's woes
For saturday's clash at Twickers, England recalled several of their World Cup winners. How New Zealand would have loved to do the same. But they are all retired now.
Nevertheless, the motley collection of Fijians, Samoans, Cook Islanders and a few token south island farmers duly rolled over what has to be said is a diabolical England outfit. Imagine what France would have done to them (or Scotland for that matter).
The Jocks brought off a famous victory north of the border, courtesy of a wayward Matt Giteau. One for the match fixing panel, methinks.
In Cardiff, a resurgent Wales dealt a body blow to Argentina. Finally we saw some open rugby, courtesy of the Welsh Wizard Shane Williams. When the likes of Adam Jones, Mike Phillips and Lee Byrne return, this could be a formidable outfit.
But overall the game looks in pretty poor shape. The laws are now so convoluted that pretty much everything, except forward passing and crooked feeding, is a penalty offence. Could it be that the SH was right in pushing the ELVs?
Having spent a fortune creating fans, in order to pay for professionalism, the money men must now be concerned that these new found slavish adherents of the game may prove fickle in their following and switch to cycling, table tennis or even Rugby League for their replica shirts next year.
Number One Sports fan has given the matter some serious consideration, and come up with a 5 point plan to ensure Union stays popular amongst the masses:
1. WAG Matches - as a precursor the main event, matches could be played between rival team WAGS. Games would be refereed by Gok Wan who would have the power to give penalties for fashion gaffes, and would award additional points for the use of high street clothing for team strips.
2. 3 a side leagues (based in India). 3 a side rugby will be fast and furious, with lots of open play, very few rucks, and high scores on both sides. Matches will last 2 minutes each way to ensure that an entire tournament can be played in a day. Suggested name - Rugby Threege.
3. Bring in celebrity guest players from other sports and fields - Tiger Woods, David Beckham, Tony Blair etc - each could play for a 10 minute period - as a replacement player when a sinbinning occurs. Each team would have one celebrity, and whenever a member of their side got yellow carded, rather than being down to 14 men, their celebsub comes on.
4. Make the value of tries 5 points multiplied by the number of metres run by the scorer in scoring the try - so if Shane Williams makes a break from behind his own line and dots down between the opposition posts, Wales get 5 x 104 =520 points for the try.
5. Legalise high tackles, tackling catchers who are airborne and allow unlimited use of boot and knee in the ruck - this could attract a whole new type of fan away from clubs like Milwall and Cardiff City.
I will be forwarding these ideas to the powers that be and expect to see them trialled in next years Super Duper 75
Nevertheless, the motley collection of Fijians, Samoans, Cook Islanders and a few token south island farmers duly rolled over what has to be said is a diabolical England outfit. Imagine what France would have done to them (or Scotland for that matter).
The Jocks brought off a famous victory north of the border, courtesy of a wayward Matt Giteau. One for the match fixing panel, methinks.
In Cardiff, a resurgent Wales dealt a body blow to Argentina. Finally we saw some open rugby, courtesy of the Welsh Wizard Shane Williams. When the likes of Adam Jones, Mike Phillips and Lee Byrne return, this could be a formidable outfit.
But overall the game looks in pretty poor shape. The laws are now so convoluted that pretty much everything, except forward passing and crooked feeding, is a penalty offence. Could it be that the SH was right in pushing the ELVs?
Having spent a fortune creating fans, in order to pay for professionalism, the money men must now be concerned that these new found slavish adherents of the game may prove fickle in their following and switch to cycling, table tennis or even Rugby League for their replica shirts next year.
Number One Sports fan has given the matter some serious consideration, and come up with a 5 point plan to ensure Union stays popular amongst the masses:
1. WAG Matches - as a precursor the main event, matches could be played between rival team WAGS. Games would be refereed by Gok Wan who would have the power to give penalties for fashion gaffes, and would award additional points for the use of high street clothing for team strips.
2. 3 a side leagues (based in India). 3 a side rugby will be fast and furious, with lots of open play, very few rucks, and high scores on both sides. Matches will last 2 minutes each way to ensure that an entire tournament can be played in a day. Suggested name - Rugby Threege.
3. Bring in celebrity guest players from other sports and fields - Tiger Woods, David Beckham, Tony Blair etc - each could play for a 10 minute period - as a replacement player when a sinbinning occurs. Each team would have one celebrity, and whenever a member of their side got yellow carded, rather than being down to 14 men, their celebsub comes on.
4. Make the value of tries 5 points multiplied by the number of metres run by the scorer in scoring the try - so if Shane Williams makes a break from behind his own line and dots down between the opposition posts, Wales get 5 x 104 =520 points for the try.
5. Legalise high tackles, tackling catchers who are airborne and allow unlimited use of boot and knee in the ruck - this could attract a whole new type of fan away from clubs like Milwall and Cardiff City.
I will be forwarding these ideas to the powers that be and expect to see them trialled in next years Super Duper 75
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
On scrummaging
Oh, the power of those All Blacks.
Hot off the heels of making Martyn Roberts the guilty party when tackled around the neck by Dan Carter, they have now managed to get their pet poodle, Referees head Paddy n'O Brain, to confess that all those who thought the Italian front row pulverised them were in fact wrong.
What actually happened was that the nasty Italians, lead by the arch villain Castrogiovanni, were cheating all day, and in fact a penalty try should have been awarded to the ABs, notwithstanding the fact they were scrummaging 5 metres from their own line.
What rotters those wops are to bend the rules like that, and how awful for poor little Wyatt Crockett (one of the 33 props uses by the ABs in the last 2 years in a desperate attempt to have a front row which could compete with Australia)
These are, of course, an entirely different set of All Blacks to the ones who laughed when Beastly Mtarawira illegally outscrummaged Phil Vickery and said "it's a man's game, deal with it on the park".
They're not even the same ones who moan every time another team copies them and passes the ball forwards at a 45% angle.
And now, in attempt to dictate the style of match against England this week, they have the nerve, the hard rind, the immortal crust to claim that only a running game will satisfy the public.
Someone should take these arch whingers to one side and quietly explain that it is only in their own country that the game is in tatters.
In the NH, record crowds delight each week in seeing proper games of rugby, hard fought in packed mud between teams who get on with it.
In NZ, however, dwindling crowds sit bored by prancing, make-up wearing show ponies playing a sort of elongated version of sevens, whilst their top players depart for foreign shores with the regularity of Circular Quay ferries.
The Super-Duper 75, or whatever it is, and the Air NZ Cup, are a farce. The EPL, Heinken Cup, Magners league and Top 14 are magnificent. They prepare players for real battles, such as World Cup quarter and semi finals.
But doubtless this too will be eroded by the moaning men of the South Pacific islands - given they are hosting the next tournament, we can doubtless expect, shortly after their departure in the qualifying stages, a retrospective rule to be introduced which declares them the winners.
Plus ca change........
Hot off the heels of making Martyn Roberts the guilty party when tackled around the neck by Dan Carter, they have now managed to get their pet poodle, Referees head Paddy n'O Brain, to confess that all those who thought the Italian front row pulverised them were in fact wrong.
What actually happened was that the nasty Italians, lead by the arch villain Castrogiovanni, were cheating all day, and in fact a penalty try should have been awarded to the ABs, notwithstanding the fact they were scrummaging 5 metres from their own line.
What rotters those wops are to bend the rules like that, and how awful for poor little Wyatt Crockett (one of the 33 props uses by the ABs in the last 2 years in a desperate attempt to have a front row which could compete with Australia)
These are, of course, an entirely different set of All Blacks to the ones who laughed when Beastly Mtarawira illegally outscrummaged Phil Vickery and said "it's a man's game, deal with it on the park".
They're not even the same ones who moan every time another team copies them and passes the ball forwards at a 45% angle.
And now, in attempt to dictate the style of match against England this week, they have the nerve, the hard rind, the immortal crust to claim that only a running game will satisfy the public.
Someone should take these arch whingers to one side and quietly explain that it is only in their own country that the game is in tatters.
In the NH, record crowds delight each week in seeing proper games of rugby, hard fought in packed mud between teams who get on with it.
In NZ, however, dwindling crowds sit bored by prancing, make-up wearing show ponies playing a sort of elongated version of sevens, whilst their top players depart for foreign shores with the regularity of Circular Quay ferries.
The Super-Duper 75, or whatever it is, and the Air NZ Cup, are a farce. The EPL, Heinken Cup, Magners league and Top 14 are magnificent. They prepare players for real battles, such as World Cup quarter and semi finals.
But doubtless this too will be eroded by the moaning men of the South Pacific islands - given they are hosting the next tournament, we can doubtless expect, shortly after their departure in the qualifying stages, a retrospective rule to be introduced which declares them the winners.
Plus ca change........
Saturday, November 7, 2009
En Passe
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So goes the old saying.
After years of castigating other teams, mainly England, for a reliance on the boot, the All Blacks finally capitulated, and played a kicking game from start to finish in Cardiff, with the result that they narrowly edged out a rampantly superior Welsh side.
Wales, who were clearly caught unawares by the IRB decision to repeal both forward passing and high tackle laws just before the game, did their utmost to compete, but were undone by an long instilled belief that passing the ball backwards was the right and proper way to do things.
Indeed, captain Ryan Jones revealed in his post match interview that due to an unfortunate breakdown in communications, the Welsh players were not informed of the rule changes until after the game. Their bewilderment, as the ABs passed the ball in front of themselves time and time again, was all too obvious.
Refreree Craig Cronje-Joubert had several anxious moments too. Having backed NZ to win by 13+, he did his utmost to gift the game to the Pacific Islanders, only to be frustrated time and time again by the TMO, who had clearly not had a bet on the match, and pettifoggingly insisted on sticking to the rules.
The difference between the two sides, apart from the fact they were playing two sets of rules, was outside half Dan Carter, who controlled the game superbly. He did however disgrace himself with a high tackle on Martyn Roberts which will undoubtedly mean he sits out next week. Cronje-Joubert, who by this stage had given up all attempts at apparent impartiality, was picked up on his mike saying “Nice one Danny, now stamp on the bastard”, but the citing commissioner will likely take a different view.
And so on to next week. Wales face Samoa, many of whom have brothers and cousins playing for the ABs. New Zealand, who these days pick their opposition with the precision of an upwardly mobile heavyweight boxer, travel to Italy. All roads lead to Eden Park in 2011 where, assuming the stadium is at least half built, France and South Africa will play out a thrilling World Cup final.
After years of castigating other teams, mainly England, for a reliance on the boot, the All Blacks finally capitulated, and played a kicking game from start to finish in Cardiff, with the result that they narrowly edged out a rampantly superior Welsh side.
Wales, who were clearly caught unawares by the IRB decision to repeal both forward passing and high tackle laws just before the game, did their utmost to compete, but were undone by an long instilled belief that passing the ball backwards was the right and proper way to do things.
Indeed, captain Ryan Jones revealed in his post match interview that due to an unfortunate breakdown in communications, the Welsh players were not informed of the rule changes until after the game. Their bewilderment, as the ABs passed the ball in front of themselves time and time again, was all too obvious.
Refreree Craig Cronje-Joubert had several anxious moments too. Having backed NZ to win by 13+, he did his utmost to gift the game to the Pacific Islanders, only to be frustrated time and time again by the TMO, who had clearly not had a bet on the match, and pettifoggingly insisted on sticking to the rules.
The difference between the two sides, apart from the fact they were playing two sets of rules, was outside half Dan Carter, who controlled the game superbly. He did however disgrace himself with a high tackle on Martyn Roberts which will undoubtedly mean he sits out next week. Cronje-Joubert, who by this stage had given up all attempts at apparent impartiality, was picked up on his mike saying “Nice one Danny, now stamp on the bastard”, but the citing commissioner will likely take a different view.
And so on to next week. Wales face Samoa, many of whom have brothers and cousins playing for the ABs. New Zealand, who these days pick their opposition with the precision of an upwardly mobile heavyweight boxer, travel to Italy. All roads lead to Eden Park in 2011 where, assuming the stadium is at least half built, France and South Africa will play out a thrilling World Cup final.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
On saturday night
The legacy of 50 odd years of heartbreak, injustice, poor refereeing and downright cheating will be played out this weekend in Cardiff.
Wales, a team who have so often been better, who have played more attractive rugby than, and who have remained honest in the face of cynical manipulation of the laws by the All Blacks over the years, have a sniff of a chance to put right the record and sends the men of Polynesia packing.
Shorn they may be of some critical pivots - the brilliant Byrne, the phenomenal Phillips and the the plucky Peel, but there are hearts of oak in this Welsh side. The indomitable Jenkins, the reportedly well-above-averagely hung Roberts, the gristle of Ryan Jones, these are men that the south pacific islanders would do well to fear.
New Zealand are a mixed bag, not just in the nationality of their players. McCaught and Carter are good, yes, but there are weaknesses that these two paragons manage to hide through their industrious endeavours.
Tialata is suspect, the second row and consequently the lineout are undernourished, and Nonu is always at risk of his make-up running. Blurred vision in midfield due to cheap maybelline products is the sort of potential error most coaches in the modern era have ironed out of their sides, but not, it seems on this occasion.
So on we go. The stadium will be packed, the crowd hopeful and vocal, and the first 20 minutes intense. Cymru am byth, I hear you say. I couldn't have put it better myself.
Wales, a team who have so often been better, who have played more attractive rugby than, and who have remained honest in the face of cynical manipulation of the laws by the All Blacks over the years, have a sniff of a chance to put right the record and sends the men of Polynesia packing.
Shorn they may be of some critical pivots - the brilliant Byrne, the phenomenal Phillips and the the plucky Peel, but there are hearts of oak in this Welsh side. The indomitable Jenkins, the reportedly well-above-averagely hung Roberts, the gristle of Ryan Jones, these are men that the south pacific islanders would do well to fear.
New Zealand are a mixed bag, not just in the nationality of their players. McCaught and Carter are good, yes, but there are weaknesses that these two paragons manage to hide through their industrious endeavours.
Tialata is suspect, the second row and consequently the lineout are undernourished, and Nonu is always at risk of his make-up running. Blurred vision in midfield due to cheap maybelline products is the sort of potential error most coaches in the modern era have ironed out of their sides, but not, it seems on this occasion.
So on we go. The stadium will be packed, the crowd hopeful and vocal, and the first 20 minutes intense. Cymru am byth, I hear you say. I couldn't have put it better myself.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
On Twitter, tweets and twats
Hallelujah. Twitter is in decline. Over the past year, since Twittermania gained real traction, we have been treated to the innermost thoughts, and daily minutae in the lives of sporting stars.
Now coaches, managers and sporting authorities the world over are banning their charges from Twittering. Is an ex-twitterer a Twat?
At first, Twitter gave us sports fans hope - a chance to learn the real, undiluted truth.
Would Dean Richards blog that Woolies were doing a Halloween special so he had just popped in to buy a gross of fake blood?
Would we learn that Gazza breakfasted on Chateau Vidaflore?
Would her Twitterings expound upon Serena's ambition to assassinate errant line judges. Presumably many of her childhood ghetto friends grew up to a career in murder.
But no. Twitter revealed sporting celebrities for the generally dull, mono-dimensional beings we suspected they might be all along. More of what Becks was doing on the loo rather than to Rebecca of that ilk. Big Sol, we discovered, spends more time beating eggs than his wife.
And so we called them boring. Ironically, when one isn't boring, we castigate them as publicly and painfully as we can. George Best, Ian Botham, and now Andre Agassi.
He lost a French open due to a slipping syrup, but won Wimbledon on drugs.
Imagine his twitter. "Wig slipping. Need to fix it. Have glue. Dilemma - Stick or sniff?"
No wonder he used to hide his head under a towel between games. And we thought that mirror was for vanity!
Sports people become stars because we perceive their lives to be glamorous. Twitter has shown us by and large they are not. Sure, they get paid a heap, and live the lifestyles of the rich and famous, but when the chips are down, they still crap brown.
So it's great when the mavericks arise, and restore our faith in the concept of sporting idolatry.
And please, sports stars, Twitter, if you must, but make it interesting.
If Martina is affected by a bad line call, we want to hear she means taking one just before a random dope test!
Now coaches, managers and sporting authorities the world over are banning their charges from Twittering. Is an ex-twitterer a Twat?
At first, Twitter gave us sports fans hope - a chance to learn the real, undiluted truth.
Would Dean Richards blog that Woolies were doing a Halloween special so he had just popped in to buy a gross of fake blood?
Would we learn that Gazza breakfasted on Chateau Vidaflore?
Would her Twitterings expound upon Serena's ambition to assassinate errant line judges. Presumably many of her childhood ghetto friends grew up to a career in murder.
But no. Twitter revealed sporting celebrities for the generally dull, mono-dimensional beings we suspected they might be all along. More of what Becks was doing on the loo rather than to Rebecca of that ilk. Big Sol, we discovered, spends more time beating eggs than his wife.
And so we called them boring. Ironically, when one isn't boring, we castigate them as publicly and painfully as we can. George Best, Ian Botham, and now Andre Agassi.
He lost a French open due to a slipping syrup, but won Wimbledon on drugs.
Imagine his twitter. "Wig slipping. Need to fix it. Have glue. Dilemma - Stick or sniff?"
No wonder he used to hide his head under a towel between games. And we thought that mirror was for vanity!
Sports people become stars because we perceive their lives to be glamorous. Twitter has shown us by and large they are not. Sure, they get paid a heap, and live the lifestyles of the rich and famous, but when the chips are down, they still crap brown.
So it's great when the mavericks arise, and restore our faith in the concept of sporting idolatry.
And please, sports stars, Twitter, if you must, but make it interesting.
If Martina is affected by a bad line call, we want to hear she means taking one just before a random dope test!
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