On a big pussy

Not since the Bolshoi Ballet produced Swan Lake for Vladimir Ilyich has the world seen such careful and precise orchestration.

The timing of the Tiger Woods comeback conference is acute. Yes, during the Accenture Matchplay, as a deliberate snub to a fleeing sponsor. No, not during actual hours of play, so he can't really be accused of demonstrating people would rather watch him than other golfers. But the threat is implicit.

It is also condoned, nay, endorsed by Tim Finchem, and that should be a real concern. Tiger seems to have the Indian sign over the PGA - yes, he boosts their revenues, but like any one man band, you must plan for succession if you are to avoid dependency.

Further evidence that Tiger will not tolerate insubordination came very quickly today. No sooner had he announced his conference than his fellow pros turned on him.

3 leading players broke ranks and dared to criticise Woods; within hours they were all eliminated from the Accenture Matchplay - Messrs Els, Ogilvy and McIlroy. Such is the extent and power of the mystic influence Woods exerts over the world of professional golf. Call it coincidence if you like, but.....

NOSF has not been invited to be part of Woods cosy chat; I did request an invite, and submitted a list of thoughtful and insightful questions I would like to ask.

For the record, here they are:

1. Tiger, do you feel that listening to the phrase "get in the hole" ad nauseam on the golf course has in some way influenced your behaviour?

2. Mr Woods, have you had a shag since you wife left you, and if so, how many?

3. Is it true KY have approached you to endorse their products next year?

4. The Swedes are normally quite open minded about sex. Is it true that Elin's anger was mainly because she was not invited to join in?

5. Several of your alleged lovers have said you are hung like a Hippo - the same brand of clubs as used by Ian Woosnam. Are they a potential sponsor?

6. I don't get laid as much as I used to; have you got any handy tips?

In around 12 hours, Tiger many well have answered these questions and more. But I am betting we get a token apology, a return date to golf, a few crocodile tears and a terse now sod off and leave me alone to win some more majors.

And that's what will happen. Because Tigers really are a protected species.