Commentary on Commentary

Andy: Fuck me, I think I'm turning in to a shirtie - that wee assitant ref's giving me a boner

Richard: It's alright, it a she

Andy: Yer fucking jokin, big man? A wee lass running the touch line?

Richard: Yes, and I'd like to touch her line

Andy: Aye, right enough. I bet she'd be a good header

Both snigger

Richard: Is she wearing a bra?

Andy: Dunno, but look at the Bristol Cities on her. Man, they're fuckin huge. She could blow my whistle any day

Both snigger again.

Richard: It's more like the FF cup than the FA Cup.

Andy: Spot on, wee fella. She'd be better off in the Euraper League.

Richard: Good thing you turned of the mic, Andy

Andy: Turned off the mic? Aw, no, we're fucked.....

Now that might have been enough to get these two football icons out of a job. Might. Light hearted banter at worst. Nothing you wouldn't hear the female version of on a hen night.

But for these two paragons to be pillaried from pillar to post in the way they have is downright wrong. The world has gone mad. We need to regain our sense of humour, and harden up. A lot.

In memoriam crickitus crimulus

Since the conclusion of the fifth Ashes test, NOSF has been insomething of a reverie. One could liken it to the opium enduced trance in which Coleridge penned Kublai Khan. Or not, depending on your perspective. But jolted, and rudely awakened by the improbable victory in the first one dayer, I feel compelled to arise from my torpidly pleasurable state and put pen to paper.

I say improbable, because if ever a side was wasting it's time trying to beat England, it is this moribund, motley and mainly crap bunch of Australians. Clearly match fixing of the worst kind has gone on. Obviously the England bowlers have colluded to defraud the betting public. Look at the evidence. Shane Watson passed 60! Michael Clarke passed 20!! Bollinger took a wicket, and if that wasn't enough, the final, irrefutable piece of evidence, Australia won. Skullduggery is too good a word for it.

The remainder of the one day series will be interesting, if only for trying to spot the obvious influences of my good fried Ranjit Bhung of Ladbrookes (Hyderabad branch)

So what of the Ashes?

On the one side we had the magnificent England XI, fit, lean, handsome and herioc to a man. Opposing them, with little gusto or guts, a traditional Australian side of cow faced, moronic, obstreporous and mostly weak willed progeny of long forgotten deportees. Only Hussey, who should surely now be promoted to skipper the side whilst rebuilding takes place, stood out as having any real ticker. The rest were simply pathetic.

Brisbane notwithstanding, this is undeniably the worst thing to happen to Australia in years. It's clearly a direct consequence of having a Sheila in charge. In fact, things could only get worse if, for example, that great Richie Benaud was revealed as a closet screamer. That's how calamitous a state of affairs prevails.Nuff said.

There is one small chink of light. NOSF has it on good authority that a fund raiser will be added to the England shcedule, a match against a World Obnoxious Gits XI. The good news for the Ockers is that they are guaranteed at least 4 representatives in the form of Watson, Siddle, Ponting (skipper) and Johnson. Bollinger may also make the side as despite a lack of cricketing ability, he would clearly be there on merit as the most obnoxious git to play for Australia in the last 50 years.

And so to Caesar, a man whose influence presided over both teams.

Sir Andrew Strauss (I trust I am not letting the cat out of the bag) came, saw and conquered. Alistair Cook and Jimmy Anderson crossed the Rubicon of their careers and Australia endured a caesarean, in that they were opened up and had their stuffing ripped out of them.

And a jolly good thing too!