On never doubting Thomas

The significance of Gareth Thomas’s confession cannot be underestimated. At a time when his team mates would be swapping shirts, he could only think of lifting his.

It comes as no surprise to anyone west of Offa’s Dyke – it has long been rumoured that Alfie was equally at home at inside or outside centre. But to have it revealed, nay paraded in front of us in such a way is, for many rugby fans, a difficult thing.

Everyone knows someone who is gay – indeed, some of my best friends tell me they have best friends who are gay. But to have the winner of 100 Welsh caps, a former Lions captain, a legend of the game admit that his idea of a good time is a foot long hot dog with lashings of KY sauce has rocked even the most PC of rugby fans.

If he had been a squash player, a swimmer, or even a cricketer, then fine. But a rugby player? It strikes at the very heart of our long held belief that all rugby players like nothing more than 16 pints, a cheap curry and then a night with any girl drunk enough to accept them.

Thomas himself is not diminished by this announcement. It is the game of rugby which has been jolted from its pedestal. Not so long ago, there was a gay rugby team in the UK – they struggled for fixtures because too many opposition teams had questioned their binding techniques, but they served a handy function - a place where non conventional rugby players could go.

Now it seems as though the floodgates are about to open, and poofters will fess up in teams all over the country. It’s not such an issue in Wales – we all knew about Alfie, we had to deal with Cliff Morgan’s shenanigans, and we are rugby minded enough not to care so long as they play well, but how will the Poms handle it when they learn that Jeremy Guscott, or Bill Beaumont prefer running onto the inside ball?

At a time when the IRB are looking closely at the rucking laws, perhaps they could also re-legislate the f@cking ones as well. We need a game which is entirely unreconstructed, a last bastion for the few who have not lost their heads to the PC nonsense e which has seeped into our world. Ban lifting in the bedroom as well as the line out, and allow unlimited use of the boot in the ruck.

It is, of course, deeply ironic that he chose to come out in the Mail.

On the decline and fall of a big pussy

The news that Tiger Woods may come out of hiding today to deliver the best man's speech at an old friends wedding has caused a media frenzy.

Number One Sports Fan imagines it might go something like this.......

Tiger arises, looking unshaved, wearing an old pair of Adidas trainers. Slurring lightly, he appears to have been drinking.

"Welcome everyone to the marriage of Byron, and the beautiful Eleanor" (winks knowingly at the bride)

" Today is the happiest day of their lives. Won't last, of course, as he becomes more intimate with her mood swings, pre menstrual tantrums and refusals to stop lunching and gossiping with Amy Mickelsen.

In fact (becoming maudlin) it's all downhill from here. (Byron nudges him sharply) But hey (perking up), maybe they'll make it. (takes a long swig of his wine).

I plan to return to competitive golf early in 2010, and let me just reassure you I am more focused than ever on winning major championships and (another sharp nudge from Byron)

Oh, yes, where was I, Byron and the gorgeous, sexy Eleanor (this time directs a pronounced leer at the bride who shifts uncomfortably in her seat) She's a real, number, Eleanor, a bit like my wife only bigger boobies and better in the ......(at this point a well aimed 5 iron whirls through the air, striking Tiger just above the left eyebrow. He slumps to the ground unconscious, as a heated argument breaks out between bride and groom).

on skinning a cat

The latest revelations from America confirm that Tiger is not yet out of the woods.
It seems he has been scoring just as well, if not better, off the course. He is not the housewives choice for his golf.

The sympathy one felt for the man after his car crash has all but disappeared with the news that there are very few attractive women in America he has not been shagging. His prolific ability to get a long one in the hole has hitherto been a source of admiration. Now it will likely inspire jealousy.

What makes it worse is that all of these women appear extremely desirable. Whether it is his money, his fame, his quiet charm or the statistical improbability that he is hung like a rogue sparrow, we do not know.

But either way he appears to have more than his fair share of what we want.

If, as this column suspects, further accusations are made by additional women, then we can expect to see, on a regular basis next year, the sight of Tiger being chased round the course by 153 pro golfers and about 25 angry husbands and boyfriends whenever he deigns to appear in a tournament.

It only remains to be seen whether he has pulled out of his transgressions with the same alacrity that he has pulled out of of his tournament this week, otherwise life could be further complicated for Tiger by the appearance of some estate claiming cubs.

On privacy

If Tiger Woods turned up at tournaments, won them, as is his wont, took the prize money then went home, then he would indeed be entitled to his privacy. But he doesn't.

The Tiger money-making machine is more embrasive than the tentacles of Rupert Murdoch.
His income is excessive, much of it derived from parading himself to the public - sponsorships, product endorsements and appearance fees.

In pursuing this course, he has abdicated any right to privacy.

Hollywood stars are well known for wooing the paparazzi when they need publicity for their new films, or to boost their flagging careers, then castigating them when exposed for scandal. Such double standards are expected of such fragile, flimsy and feckless individuals.

Tiger has used his sporting prowess to insert himself most indignantly into the public eye. He has made his bed, now he must lie in it, and if we wish to watch him doing so, he has no right to complain.

Tiger makes money when we shave using Gillette products. he advertises because he has set himself up as a role model. So we have the right to know if that is true or not. And know we want to.