Here come the Ashes

Once again, the Ashes are upon us and we are burning with anticipation. It will be a battle royal, we hope, riddled with fast bowling, electric catches and in the middle, tons of runs!

England are led by Strauss, a batsman of classical style, who has conducted himself with aplomb and will orchestrate the campaign. Let us hope he waltzes into form from the off, and resists any overtures from Asian bookmakers.

Amongst his armoury he has the potentially potent weapons of Broad and Anderson, not to mention the revived Monty "Frying" Panesar, who will be hoping for more turn than a turban at Sydney.

The extraordinary offer by VB - to buy every adult Aussie a beer if they win the Ashes, will earn them plaudits amongst the average, moronic Strayans, but the intelligencia will both be mindful that this is more likely a comment on their chances being slight.

Unlike the great Australian Elevens of the past, there is the look of a group of players, rathert than a team, about this lot, and when they finally select the side from the preliminary squad of 917, I suspect there will be few who cause a tremor in the England dressing room.

Clarke, who is a shoe in for the number 4 spot, will be told to "Hush, puppy" if he gets above himself.

Ponting will be worried about the collapse of his business empire in the UK, and wondering if he will be able to still do a contra with Center Parcs this year.

The English have encountered a good number of Australian Hussies in their time, but Michael of that ilk is unlikely to fill them with dread (or the urge to buy him 8 Bacardis and shag him stupid)

The bowlers too look weak.

5 tests may be too much for Bollinger who is expected to run out of fizz and will probably fake an injury, howling with sham pain.

The heavily tatooed Johnson will also probably need to go to the Doctor at some stage.

As fo the wicketkeeper, most people have had enough of his endless sledging.

But what of the English?

We can expect to see Trott amongst the runs, the now well-seasoned Cook is always a recipe for disaster, but he will be hoping to roast his detractors with century after century and KP, if he rediscovers his form, could go nuts. If Bell gives himself enough rope, her may finally confirm the ringing endorsements which have always praised his potential.

Broad will shoulder the burden of stock strike bowler, Finn will be fishing for the outside edge and then Swann will ensure the Australian's goose is cooked.

So on paper, this Ashes series looks done and dusted. Arise Sir Andrew, and Rocky Ponting will doubtless be sacrificed at the Fosters Cathedral in Melbourne.

But this is Australia, the self procalimed lucky country, and you never know!